Spring is upon us. This past weekend I took a long walk through my neighborhood and down the hill to the adjoining neighborhoods of Fremont and Ballard. The signs of spring were abundant. Everywhere I looked buds were opening on trees, camellias were blooming, and the ground was carpeted in crocus. A few hardy fruit trees were sending forth their blossoms – a hopeful portent of an abundant harvest. There was even a robin. Couples from the University of Washington and Seattle Pacific University strolled hand-in-hand along the canal lost in hormonal delirium. Yes, Spring 2011 is here – though not yet by the calendar – and my fancy, along with that of so many others, has been turned. It is time to, once again, share that turn of fancy with you.

Because, my readers, friends, and dear supporters, there are now only twenty months to go until Election Day. Only 87 short weeks until you elect a new President, various Senators, and Me – your new King. I suppose that should be “Us”. For the neophytes among you who ignored my warnings and didn’t read the blog from the beginning now might be a good time to revisit my two earlier posts: Rant On and The Man Who Would Be King. They summarize my strategy to Save America, The Earth, and your retirement accounts. Should you not wish to go back – right now anyway – and read those polemic treatises of rational thought here’s the Cliff Notes version. America is in Trouble. Big Trouble. With a capital “T”. Which rhymes with “C”. And that stands for Congress. Congress doesn’t do anything anymore. No decisions come out of Congress. Presidential power goes unchecked. Our legislators sit on their partisan butts and do nothing except collect contributions for the next election cycle – which, as I have mentioned, is beginning now. The way to fix this is to use a little loophole in the Constitution and elect one person to all of the seats in the House of Representatives. This person would then constitute a Force to be Reckoned With. He or she would be the personification of the Will of the People – being duly elected – which is tantamount to royalty. I figured that I, being functionally unemployed yet packed full of ideas, would be the perfect guy for the job.

To that end I hired a political strategist – the educated, well informed, thoughtful, and total hottie – Dani Cianni to help with my campaign. She devised a broad brush strategy to appeal to voters on both the wacko right and hand-wringing left and everyone else in between. It couldn’t lose. All of my policies were to be well thought out, inspiring, and rational to the point of eliciting responses like “Well of course. Nothing else would really do the job now would it?”

We start today.

The first plank in my platform is a modest one. It addresses the deep seated concerns of liberals and conservatives alike and does so with style, panache, and irrefutable logic. You ready? OK, here goes.

My Fellow Americans, when you elect me (you have to phrase these things optimistically) I promise to solve the Earth’s environmental problems and guarantee that the United States of America will dominate the planet for the next three centuries. God bless you all. 

Sure you’ve heard that nonsense before but nobody has ever delivered on it. Politicians make hollow promises and then back off or blame the other guys for not voting the right way. I’m not going to have anybody else to blame so I’ll have to do something different. I’m going to tell you exactly how I’m going to make that promise come true.

We must first consider the position in which we lie – in both senses of the word. The U.S. thinks itself to be the leader of the world. We are the fortress of hope and democracy. We are the bastion of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. We are the Land of Stuff. In reality we are all talk. Nothing but a lot of hot air. Sure we might yell at some impoverished countries from time-to-time. We might impose “sanctions”. We might even lob some smart-bombs onto a playground or into a hospital. But, for the last sixty or so years, every one of our xenophobia fuelled escapades has ended in defeat. C’mon, we were driven out of Iraq by a bunch of guys driving Nissans and throwing bombs they made in the cellar. So much for the mightiest military machine ever. Our vision of world domination is about as real as the rest of the stuff we see on TV. Five thousand years of written history has proven one thing: force alone does not constitute “leadership”. It seems we still haven’t got a clue.

The U.S. currently seeks to lead by words and brute force alone. But “Leadership” is a subtle skill that not only requires that you talk the talk but that you put your money where your mouth is. Our recent history shows us willing to say things like “climate change will force us all to cut our emissions drastically in order to save the planet.” We follow that up with a much quieter “You first.” Under my regency that will change and from now forward, with me as your King, the United States will lead only by example. We will make it our National Policy that the U.S. really is the only country in the world that counts. The rest will have no option but to follow along. We will walk the walk and drag everybody else along by the hair.

To do this we are going to fix the World’s Environment all by ourselves (HOORAY! Go the pinko, tree-hugging, alarmists on my left). The result of this ecological salvation will be Total Global Domination for the foreseeable future (YAY! Say the people who think “Fox” has anything to do with “news”). This two-pronged strategy will make every American rich beyond the dreams of avarice (YIPPEE! Screams everybody).

How’s that for a campaign promise?

Here are the details. Let’s start by looking exactly how deep a hole we have to claw our way out of.

Recently my political soothsayer Dani and I spent a weekend going over this very question. We, through numerous pitchers of margaritas, stirred the ideas. We cut to the heart of the matter as we sliced the limes. As the pile of sticky to-be-recycled bottles grew higher our analysis grew ever deeper. At the end of it we had reached a conclusion.

There are just too many cars. All current environmental problems stem from this one fact.

Then Dani threw up. It was brilliant. We took our assessment and went out to the public to see how our idea would fly. We snatched the Average American Driver from behind the wheel of her carbon-belching SUV locked in traffic. We took away her keys. 

“Hey, gimme the keys. I’ve got to get to the spa.”

“Ma’am,” Dani asked. “Do you know that your car is directly contributing to global warming that will result in the deaths of some of Earth’s poorest people and the eradication of numerous species?”

“I don’t care. Now gimme the keys. I’ve got to get to the spa.”

“This climate change will result in your grandchildren having to learn to live under water and grow gills.”

“Bullshit. Gimme the keys. I’ve got to get to the spa.”

“And that as a result of all these noxious tailpipe emissions you will develop lung cancer and die by the time you’re 45.”

That made her stop and think for a minute. “Nonsense, “ she coughed. “Now please gimme the keys. I’ve got to get to the spa.”

We did. She climbed back into her Escalade, started the engine, and waited for the traffic to clear.

So much for appealing to the logic of the American public. Dejected we walked back and tried to integrate the new reality: there are too many cars and nobody is willing to give up their car. It was too depressing to consider.

I nearly despaired and thought for a moment that I was going to have to give up my dream of kinghood. I realized that there were many technological advances being made on the automotive front and that pretty soon we’d all be driving hybrids or electric cars anyway. Our lust for fossil fuel may never be slaked but it was a thirst that could be reduced. It would be better, even if it were not quite good. The climate would keep changing but nature, as we learned last week, would bring the environment into balance again. We’d all be driving around in electric vehicles and the planet would thank us for it.

Which is when it hit me. “What a load of crap!”

I ran my idea past Dani and she got very excited. It seems that, regardless of the looming environmental catastrophe, the American people are being lied to. Big time. The lie is being perpetrated by the Government, by Industry, by Wall Street, and – most of all – by Environmentalists. 

We had the problem: A massive lie about the upcoming environmental catastrophe, our national impotence and nagging self-doubt.

We had the hook: This lie enables all the Fat-Cats listed above to continue deceiving and stealing from the American People in the largest conspiracy ever. This conspiracy will let them keep getting richer and richer while Americans keep shelling out their hard-earned bucks. This was great. Americans just love a good conspiracy.

We had the one thing all Americans hated:  being lied to and robbed. I guess that’s two. Whatever.

And we had the solution: Me, Your new King. 

Next week: The Secret Revealed!