Oh my goodness. It’s been so long. What with all the spies, weeds, truck repair, and ubiquitous surveillance I feel that some of you may feel shorted by my going on and on and on about what’s really happening and neglecting those things you hold dear, namely, what’s really going to happen. No, no, no. Rest assured that it’s not about Economics; remember, I said “you hold dear.” It’s time once again to talk about the thing everyone is fascinated by: The End of the World.

Please stop groaning. I promise, this time it’ll be different.

Every year the global cadre of humanity is subjected to a continuous barrage of fires, floods, droughts, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, asteroids from space, pestilence, disease, wars, pollution, hurricanes, tornadoes, famine, political intrigues, financial catastrophes, and nothing worth watching on television. Not that the combined impact of these negative factors on population, which number in the tragic millions (billions when you figure in the cumulative effects of television on our psychological well-being), seem to be able to put a dent in the ongoing population explosion which is the cause for basically all of the aforementioned calamities with the possible exception of the geological ones.

“Balderdash!” You might say. “Thus it has always been; the Bible tells me so.”

But you, and the Good Book, would be wrong – again. Because, it can be shown that, over very recent history, all forms of natural disasters have been on the increase. This chart (yawn), as reported by the WHO Collaborating Centre for Research on the Epidemiology of Disasters, shows the rising numbers of instances of a pissed off Mother Nature trying to do something about us. (credit: EM-DAT: The OFDA/CRED International Disaster Database – www.emdat.be, Université Catholique de Louvain, Brussels (Belgium)). The interesting thing about the chart is that, over the past thirty years or so, the number of disasters has actually been on the rise.

What is most surprising (to me anyway) is that this data took some digging to find. It seems to have been largely ignored by the mainstream media in their rush to cover such globally impactful news as Justin Bieber puking on his microphone.

But I digress.

The inspiration for this week’s train(wreck) of thought was inspired by a comment posted on an NPR news story about the wildfire near Colorado Springs (which, for the geographically challenged, is most likely in Colorado). The commenter asked the obvious question: “why don’t these people build fireproof houses?”

A question which is one of the better arguments I’ve seen for increased funding for science education in our primary schools.

The answer, of course, is two-part. First, the construction of said house must be such that not only will the house not burn, but the materials used can’t transmit heat to the interior to prevent everything inside (you included) from turning into charcoal. This rules out things like metal, glass, wood, plastic, and Pla-Doh. Concrete or some rock would work, but has to be of a sufficient thickness. A house with a four-inch thick concrete wall is also known as an “oven” when subjected to the 800° – 1200°C temperatures found in a raging wildfire. Second, nobody wants to live in a windowless, doorless bunker buried in a scenic forest.

But leave it to human ingenuity to come up with the solution: a windowless, doorless, bunker with style. The skilled architects, engineers, and doomsday-prep folks at Doomsday Dwellings have come up with a line of suburban-chic housing that is sure to be the talk of the town even after the rest of the town has been smelted to slag. Worried the world will end in a CO2 greenhouse inferno? No problem, just pick the Seed House and with the touch of a button the windows and doors are sealed (as are the walls) with an insulating sheath capable of withstanding 2100°F for six hours. You’ll be able to chill in hepa-filtered comfort as your neighbors’ digs are reduced to cinders. If your concern is more along the lines of San Francisco circa 1906, then take a look at the Hero House designed to withstand the worst that Charles Richter can toss at you. The design is complete with a garden and chicken coop to help get your neighbors back on their feet after the big shimmy. The tricked out AR-15 to keep said hordes of neighbors at a safe distance while you sell eggs for an ounce of gold each is not included in the design. If you’re losing sleep that the current Kim Jong Χ is going to lob a nuke over the pole then you’ll be interested in the Genesis House an aero-dramatic tour-de-force that is able to survive a nuclear explosion on the next block by burying itself in the ground. Once buried, the high tech living space is placed immediately adjacent to a survival storage area allowing for six adults and nine kids to thrive for ten years in total comfort (at least compared to the mutant tribes that will be wandering the blistered landscape above).

In addition to the specialties each house is designed for, they’re also protected against fringe-benefit disasters such as: “Double Dip Recession/Depression, Fires, Food Shortage, Gas Shortage/Peak Oil, Drought/Famine , Power Grid Breakdown, Cyber Warfare that Destroys the Grid, Social Unrest/Large Scale Riots, Small Arms Fire/Small Shrapnel, Government Collapse, EMP Burst/Solar Flare, Pandemic, Earthquakes, Volcanic Disruption, Minor Climate Change – Excluding Major Flood Zones, Magnetic Field Rotation,” and “Nearby Explosions.” Just in case you don’t pick the right EOTWAWKI scenario. But not to worry, once you have your Doomsday Dwelling up and running it will all be, as the company says, about “How to have fun during the end of the world.”

So while you’re sitting in the hermetically-sealed basement of your new home watching endless Jeopardy reruns while the skin suppurates and peels off your former golfing buddies, what are you going to eat? The answer, it turns out, is plenty. There are several companies offering gustatory compensation for being in the financial 0.01% beyond adding hollow calories to assuage your survivor’s guilt. Sure you could stash a ton and a half of Twinkies, which have a shelf-life rivaling that of dolomite, but 1) being made mostly of air they would take up too much room in storage and 2) they won’t be available again until August at the earliest and God only knows what will happen between now and then.

Instead you should consider some of the survival rations offered by companies such as Augason Farms or foodinsurance.com and choose from one of their (no-doubt) tasty and nutritious offerings of freeze-dried, oxygen-purged, decade long shelf-life snack packs. Well, “snack pack” might be a bit of a reach.

If you’re like me, when somebody says “freeze dried food” you think of the little aluminized mylar bags hanging by the checkout racks at high-end stores like REI or Walmart; little things to keep in the car in case you get stuck in the snow, or to take along on a camping trip to sample and then feed the rest to the squirrels. Nothing could be further from the truth. These modern day rations form the core of a survival strategy and come packed in sealed cans, wrapped in nitrogen filled mylar bags all stuffed into food-grade plastic tubs and sealed against the eventual downfall of civilization or twenty-five years, whichever comes first.

You can choose such appetizing items as chicken teriyaki with rice for $34, or spaghetti with meat sauce for $28, or even strawberry Jello for $32. What? That sounds like a lot of money for Jello? Raise your hand if you think your money will be worth anything after the end of civilization. C’mon, let’s see some hands. Right.

Now clearly, finding the time to put together a ten-year meal plan for you and the three other friends you selected to make up your four in Armageddon Scrabble would be a task too daunting for most. Fear not, the companies that will feed you well until plants return and start producing a breathable atmosphere will take the worry out of that irksome task. For only thirty grand, Augason Farms will set you up with enough meals to feed forty people for a year (or any other people:year ratio that factors evenly into 40).

The big drawback I’ve discovered is that, as with the rest of society, vegetarians are largely left out of the whole “who’s going to make it to civilization 3.0” equation. The one available vegetarian offering is macaroni and cheese and the nutritionally balanced veggie survival kits are no longer available.

Bummer.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I think it would be prudent to have a meal kit or two lying around in case of an unforeseen circumstance like a longer-term power outage, snow storm, or similar that would prevent me from getting to KFC. But at these prices I think I’ll have to shop around a bit before I convert my hard-earned dollars into survival capability. Wait. Of course. Why didn’t I think of that earlier?

I can get everything I need right now.

At Costco.

And they’ve even got food for vegetarians.

Now, what are we going to feed the cats?