Not much news this week. I’ve put another magazine article on the website to address the complaints that there are too many words and not enough pictures. Just click on the banner at the top of this page and follow the Words link.

For those of you who have said “Enough already!” you are in luck. This week I’m taking a break from writing and letting my campaign consultant fill in for me. If you are a new reader and haven’t had the time or desire to read the earlier postings I’ll give you the short version. Several weeks ago I postulated that to fix the political mess in the U.S. we really needed to throw out all the current elected officials – specifically the House of Representatives – and elect a King. I thought I was the guy for the job and hired a little political dynamo with the alliterative name of Dani Ciani to look into the possibility and report back with a proposed campaign strategy. I have that in hand now and wanted to pass along her ideas. Before I do I’d like to give you a little background.

I met Dani – which I later found out is short for Danielle – in a McDonalds in Port Washington, NY of all places. I was sitting nearby and overheard her phone conversation which seemed to be addressing a number of very recondite questions of a governmental nature. We fell into conversation and I learned that she possessed an impressive resume. She earned Bachelors and Masters degrees in Psychology from Rice University in Texas and Temple in Philadelphia respectively. Afterwards she went on to receive yet another Masters and a Doctorate both in Political Science from Hofstra University on Long Island which is not far from where we met. She had just finished defending her PhD dissertation. Unfortunately, her break was over and she had to get back to mopping the floors. We made an appointment to meet again and go into my ideas of Kingship in more depth.

I ended up retaining her to look into the whys and wherefores of getting elected as King and to come up with a strategy and bare-bones campaign platform to make it happen. What follows is her report – cut and pasted from her email to save me typing – in its entirety.

September 17, 2010

Your Future High-Ness[sic]:

In Your quest for absolute power I believe looking at some historical precedents is in order. Gone are the days when plucking a rusty blade out of the pavement was sufficient to convince the populace of Your divine right to govern. Most recent historical examples have involved massive bloodshed followed by repressive torment of the governed in order to grab and hold power. In the strategy for Your election I would suggest a kinder and gentler approach to the voters as death and/or torture might lead the people not to vote for You. Besides, in the United States anyway, You have to get elected before You can control the Military. So – first things first – how can You get elected?

Up until the recent past most candidates, in order to woo the most voters, would state positions that would vary left or right of a moderate central view. This enhanced their voter appeal and allowed them to make minor compromises yet still be seen as sticking to their principals. Beginning in the second term of Ronald Reagan this centrist view of governance broke down and candidates, in order to get elected, began posturing to the radical elements of either the left or right. In American elections these days there is neither room for nor benefit from trying to appeal to what Richard Nixon dubbed the Silent Majority.

Your campaign premise has the added complication that You will have to attract voters on both extremes. Your campaign promises will have to out-conservative the Palinistas on the right and make the left see Ralph Nader as the lying shill for the auto industry he always has been. Your platform must polarize the center into taking a stand one way or the other. And whether the voters look to the extreme Right or to the extreme Left they will find only You.

At first look it may seem impossible, illogical, and ill-considered to try and embrace both edges of the political spectrum. But I think You will find it no less so than running from either end. The thing to remember is that You are dealing with voters here – not trying to put forth workable or sane proposals. You’re just trying to get elected. First things first.

To meet Your ends I have come up with some specific proposals that focus on the so-call litmus test issues that the vast majority of the electorate are unable to get past. Where possible I have proposed overlapping planks so that if You fail one of their tests You will immediately be saved by the others. Since all news and campaign advertising will be focused on single issues You’re covered everywhere. Should Your opponents call attention to the inconsistencies in Your platform You can expect the voters to just tune them out. Any arguments will take more time than the average voter’s attention span and Your proposals will be both more Liberal and more Conservative which will sap Your opponent’s core constituencies.

Platform Proposals

There are four main issues You need to address in order to win the support of the electorate. Your proposals on these issues are designed to appeal to the extreme fringe groups on both sides of the argument. The issues in no particular order are: Taxes, Abortion Rights, Gun Control, and the Environment. Here are Your stands on these issues:

Taxes – You will propose eliminating all personal income tax on all earned income, retirement income, and income from the sale of a personal residence. Unearned income over $100,000 per year will be taxed at 75%. That’ll teach those thieves on Wall Street. The shortfall caused by the repeal of personal income tax will be recouped from new corporate income tax provisions and by taxes from new environmental policies. Voters, who are what You are after, are really impressed by new corporate taxes. Corporations really don’t care about taxes because they just roll them into their cost structure and pass them along to the consumers as increased prices for their products. Voters don’t seem to understand this.

Abortion Rights – Here You will come out as Pro-Choice. At the end of the day EVERYBODY is Pro-Choice. The argument is over who gets to make the Choice. If you are rich enough – you get to make your own choice. If not, current law prohibits the use of Federal money for abortions. You will continue that policy until the voters speak otherwise.  You will instate a special referendum to determine actual voter sentiment on the abortion issue. If the voters say Pro-Life then You can put some real teeth into George W. Bush’s No Child Left Behind program. If a woman wishes an abortion but cannot pay for it she will be mandated to bear and raise the child. The costs associated with raising the child will be paid for – an estimated $450,000 per child – by a new special tax funding the program. It is anticipated that this policy will drastically cut the welfare rolls, always a favorite of Conservatives. The special vote will be held annually to further assess the will of the voters.

Gun Control – Yes to Guns. Big guns, little guns, assault weapons, cannons, tanks, whatever. The “right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be abridged” according to the Second Amendment to the Constitution. You will propose that all such arms be registered just to know who the lawful owner is. There’s the little caveat in the Second Amendment that the right to keep and bear arms is necessary to the maintenance of well-regulated militias. All gun owners will be required to participate in a well-regulated militia in order to continue holding the right to keep and bear arms. If they are not able, for any reason, to participate in the militia they fall out from under the protection of the Second Amendment and will have to turn in their guns. The next time the U.S. needs to invade some impoverished, under-developed country – You’ll send in the militias first. This should allow for drastic cuts in defense spending.

The Environment – There are some 300 million people in the United States. If none of them ever drove another foot in an automobile or fired up a gas stove or used coal generated electricity or spilled another drop of oil into the Gulf of Mexico it would make no difference at all to the environmental fate of the planet. The other 6.5 Billion people living in the rest of the world will assure that whatever the U.S. does domestically will be overwhelmed by what they do out there. To address this You must first insist that all clean air and water standards are doubled. Transportation mileage standards must be increased to the limits of technology. Emissions generating industries must become carbon neutral. Immediately. This cleans up our house and You can now force the rest of the world to follow suit. You will accomplish this by implementing new import duties. All goods that are imported into the United States will be subject to a tariff equal to the amount those goods would cost had they been made in a facility by workers paid to U.S. labor standards and subject to U.S. environmental laws. Plus 10%. Any goods imported to the U.S. produced in facilities that match U.S. standards will pay no duty. Any goods produced in the U.S. and exported overseas will have the income from such sales exempt from the new corporate income tax. Factories, jobs, and orders will flood back into the U.S. because there will be no incentive to make things anyplace else. Companies wishing to import into the U.S. will quickly start playing by our rules. Workers will benefit, corporations will benefit and the fat-cat, scum on Wall Street will make a killing with all the new industrial activity.

All the voters win and You are King.

Please let me know if You wish to discuss this further and when I should put the order in for campaign buttons and bumper stickers.

Sincerely,

Dani Ciani, B.S., M.S., M.A., PhD    

Wow, smart gal, huh? I know, I know, these ideas are all just hollow campaign promises to get me elected but that’s some over-the-top stuff. As Dani succinctly pointed out to me – it doesn’t matter what I say during the campaign because once I’m voted in I would be King. Then I can do whatever I want.